A Name Is Not Enough
by theangelgabrielle
Summary: - "Serena named each of her three daughters for Blair, but she knows that it isn't enough. It never will be. And by the time it's confirmed that she's carrying a fourth, she stops bothering." DAN/SERENA, NATE/BLAIR, B & S friendship fic.


**be warned; **although the main pairing is definitely _dan/serena_, there is some _dan/blair, blair/nate, rufus/lily, serena/nate, jenny/erik, _& I guess some _serena/blair_ (if you squint).

**edited for spelling/grammar.**

**-a name is-**

__

not enough;

_**Saffron Lillian Humphrey b. 30 January 2012**_

"I'm - we're - pregnant," Serena announces at the kitchen table. Her long legs are swung up on a chair, blocking her new husband from sitting there. Earlier, he faux-glared at her and sat across from her instead, exaggeratedly his anger as he practically tore open the Arts section of the paper.

"Already?" Dan squawks, unthinking.

Serena giggles. "Nice response." She tugs at the hem of her jersey top. Dan notices how the forest green colour brought out the sparkle in her deep blue eyes; he'd jotted down a line in his Moleskin the second he saw her.

"Oh, uh, sorry." He scratches his chin thoughtfully. "_Yay!_"

The blonde playfully swats his arm from across the table. They'd gotten back together their senior year of high school and hadn't glanced at another soul since. Their family members, friends, were worried. Dan and Serena were so caught up in their epic love story for the ages they barely had time to do anything else. They got engaged on their graduation night (after struggling to stay awake during Blair's bilingual - French, as well as English - valedictorian speech) and were married in August.

Dan was accepted into Dartmouth and just finished up his last year. He did mostly freelancing, but he'd scored a weekly puff-piece column in a popular gossip rag that paid well enough.

Oh, and they moved to California days after Dan's college graduation. Far away from the lives they once lived.

The people they once loved.

Life moved fast for them. Dan's father, Rufus, always said that life wasn't like a roller coaster - it was like the line-up for one at Six Flags. If you didn't move fast enough, you were stuck beside the screamers or the hurlers on the last go-around of the day.

--

Blair Waldorf, the one and only, arrives exactly one week after the fact. When she comes, her famed dark hair has been cropped into a messy pixie cut, with layers tucked behind her ears. She still has the same ruby lips and the same threaded eyebrows and the same everything, but she's so different it almost gives Serena morning sickness. It's obvious that she's heard the news, because she turns away from Serena's open arms.

Blair's Jackie O-style glasses sit atop her head. She sniffs the air. "Smells awful. Where'd you hire your cook from?"

The expectant mom's thin, pale eyebrows furrow. "Dan's cooking. He bought a crapload of saffron from Whole Foods and wanted to try it out on a guest."

"Which would be me?" The rail-thin brunette smiles tautly at her one-time best friend. Not long after the end of high school - of Blair's charmed life - Serena confessed she didn't apply anywhere. The only way she would get in would be through her mother, Lily's money. And she didn't want that kind of life. Instead, Serena moved into the 'spare' flat the van der Bass family kept in New Hampshire. She lived with Dan while he was going to Dartmouth.

When all that was happening, Serena barely had _any_ time for herself, let alone for anyone else. Blair's e-mails went unread for weeks and her numerous phone calls went straight to voice mail (_"Hi! Uh, this is Serena's cell, thanks for callin' me, but I'm out having more fun than you! Lots of love! Oh, wait! Leave your name and number after the-"_). It was deathly frustrating at both ends and eventually Blair stopped trying. She wondered when S stopped caring.

"Yes," Serena answers. She's trying to be pleasant, but her old friend B is making that difficult. _Extremely _difficult. As Serena leads Blair around her humble abode, one hand resting on her slightly more rounded navel, the brunette can't keep her snarled insults to herself. She makes a face at the wallpaper, rolls her eyes at the art, and practically _shudders _at the mess that is Dan's study.

"Looks like a hurricane blew through," she giggle-sneers.

Serena bites her tongue and motions for the petite brunette to go ahead of her. With another wrinkle of her perfect nose, she does so_._Another difference, Serena thinks, which makes her feel like she was back in seventh grade and writing her first comparison essay. Blair smells like Nina by Nina Ricci - not the Chanel perfume that was supposedly worn by Audrey Hepburn.

It takes Serena fifteen minutes to go down the stairs - not because she is heavily pregnant or anything, because she is barely showing at all. She can't _bear _to spend another minute with that ungrateful, spoiled, and way-too-educated-for-her-own good _bitch. _Her cruel thoughts made Serena's chest heave and fall. She always tried to be nice, but a meaner Serena always bubbled to the surface when Blair and women like her were involved.

When Serena finally got downstairs, she found Dan's lips pressed to Blair's and her arms swung around her neck. They were leaning up against the marble island, a big bowl Italian fish stew between them. Saffron was clumped on the table and some was stuck on Blair's black cashmere cardigan.

No one ever speaks of it.

--

For her delivery, _everyone _is present. Even Lily, her back rigid and her lips pursed, with Rufus' arm slung lazily around her waist. Serena, Dan, and everyone else pretends the elder couple's closeness is just for comfort. Serena and Dan are the only ones who know how much of a lie that is. They see in their parents' eyes the same things they see in their own: _love. _

As she is a van der Woodsen, the pain is minimal, the drugs are maximal, and her hair is flawless. She gives birth at Lenox Hill in the Upper East Side. For a month or so, when Serena was becoming an overcooked chicken, she stayed at Lily's place. Chuck was supposedly somewhere in the Palace hotel - she tried calling but the secretary wouldn't admit he was there. After two calls, Serena stopped bothering.

The baby is born, a beautiful little girl, at some godforsaken hour of the morning. Blair leaves a short, huffy, unenthusiastic, '_Congrats_,' message on Serena's Sidekick. She couldn't make it - has an exam tomorrow, she claims. No one calls her on the lie.

The second Serena gets her arms around her daughter, she pronounces, "Saffron Lillian Humphrey," like it's a prayer. Realization dawns on her husband's face but, through gritted teeth, he says, "A fine name." They all smile through many photos that day. '_Everything's perfect,' _their smiles claim. _'Our lives are complete.' _

_--_

**_Sinatra April Humphrey b. 17 April 2014_**

"Pregnant."

Serena clamps a hand over her forehead as Blair gives the verdict that will end or save her life.

"You're definitely pregnant," the brunette states again. Serena considers punching her square in the stomach. She decids against it. All the degrees and diplomas in the world can't begin to patch up Blair's messed-up existence. Blair's already received her punches - straight through the heart, again and again. Her 'love life' is a series of hot, passionate, one-night-stands. Most of them are willing to commit to a beautiful, witty, smart debutante like Blair Waldorf, but she never is.

"Great." Serena clenches her fist, preparing to land the punch. She knows Blair would pull a bitch move and pull her hair or rip the seams of her baby spit-up covered DvF wrap dress. Neither idea sounds pleasant, so the young mother stifles her urge. Instead, she deadpans, "You're such a bitch, B."

Blair's smile has never been so bright. "That I am." Her hair would've grown out to Hollywood starlet lengths by now, but she keeps it cut in a neat shoulder-length bob. She looks pretty. Never beautiful, never gorgeous, never outstanding. But _pretty. _Serena keeps her mouth shut because she knows what she's thinking is hardly a compliment. In fact, it's downright insulting.

That is when the dam burst and Blair admits how Nate called (_so jumpy she didn't get there in time; answering machine picked up; no message_), Chuck called (_ignored_) and Nate called again _(picked up_.) Plans were made for Blair and Nate to meet up the next time she was in New York. That's the reason Blair visited the Humphreys in California.

"I needed to get as far from New York as my air miles would allow."

"So..." Try as she might, Serena can't ignore the definite pang she hears at the mention of Nate Archibald. Of a possible BlairandNate reunion. "Does this mean you don't like him?"

"Or maybe it means I love him." They both go quiet. "Maybe I never stopped," Blair adds. She washes her hands in the Womens' washroom of Saks, splashes some icy water on her face, and _on they go._

--

When Blair starts calling on a regular basis, to update Serena about her and Nate, to chat with Saff, who is quickly turning out to be the newest worshipper in the Church of Blair, Serena barely notices. Maybe they were taking the first steps to becoming friends again. Serena never really had girlfriends; not since high school. Dan's her best friend and she occasionally talks to Lily or Jenny if they were at Rufus' place when Dan was calling. It feels nice to have someone her age to talk to.

It's starting to seem like everything is falling into place. Blair seems genuinely happy, Saff is just about the smartest two-year-old on the planet, Dan is in the works to have his first book published. Life is good. Pregnancy, however? God, that's hard.

Serena heard it was easier the second time around. So far, that little tidbit seemed to be as truthful as a criminal defense lawyer. Her morning sickness comes often, she's always too cold or too hot, and she's put on a good ten pounds more than when she was expecting Saff.

The pregnant blonde is curled up in a vintage chair, ordered from ABC Carpet & Home. Tyra Banks' talk show was on. Serena's wrapped in multiple cashmere throws, sent from Lily to 'keep the baby warm.' Yeah, right. 'Baby' is a walking, talking, breathing, living _furnace_. Her temperature regularly runs a good two degrees above the norm, but Saff never complains. Sometimes, in the cold of the night, Serena sneaks out of the master bedroom and curls up in Saff's tiny toddler sleigh bed (a gift from 'Auntie B,' that Saff loves to no end) to steal some warmth.

"Hello?" Saff answers the phone the second it rang - girl loves talking on the phone. Especially when Auntie B called to regal the young toddler with news of New York's hustle and bustle. Blair moved in with Nate a month ago - it was getting quite serious. "Oh, Auntie B!"

Serena smiles to herself and returns to Tyra's antics.

While Saff was been born a brown-eyed, blond-haired baby, her locks had quickly turned dark, like Dan's. She always wears headbands, loves old Audrey movies, and is more like Blair than anyone wants to admit. Sometimes, Serena wonders if her whole first pregnancy was a dream - was Saff _Blair's_daughter instead? She can even see some of Dan in the girl, too. The golden-brown eyes that take up half her face are undoubtedly Dan's and she can read, write, and talk more than anyone from her elite preschool. There wasn't a drop of Serena in her own daughter.

"MOMMY!" Saff yells, scurrying out into the living room with the cordless cradled by her ear. "Auntie B wants to speak with you," she says, in all seriousness.

Serena presses the 'Mute' button on the flat screen. Why was it talk shows always seemed better, minus the talk? "Yeah, B?"

"I'm getting married."

The sounds of Frank Sinatra trickle out from Dan's locked study.

_Oy vey. _

_-- _

Blair is all dressed up in ivory. Lace and silk. She wears a column dress, designed by her mother, and long gloves. Her hair is pinned up with a freshly-plucked peony. She's a vision. It's all a lie. Serena knows that her very best friend's virginity was shed long ago in the backseat of a limo. The white is all a lie. Is the love in her eyes too? The smile that breaks out on Nate's face when he sees her? Serena doesn't know what she wants anymore. She's at the front of the church too, wearing a custom-designed bridesmaids' dress. It's the colour of champagne and not low-cut enough that any of the spotlight is stolen from Blair. The dress has been altered many times to fit the budding life inside of her.

Serena pinpoints another lie. It would be a lie to think she never imagined herself in Blair's spot, exchanging 'I Do's with the pretty boy who holds part of her heart.

Chuck Bass is somewhere in the audience. Sitting beside Erik, who is still as confused and alone as he was in high school. Jenny sits beside him and they chatter quietly like schoolgirls all throughout the ceremony. Everyone swears they see Chuck's jaw twitch when the reverend recites, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." Serena thinks that phrase is so silly. Peace? Try, 'forever hold your hostility.'

Other than that, the wedding goes smoothly. Blair never leaves Nate's side and his eyes never stray from hers. When it's time for their first day, a Sinatra song plays. Blair smiles into his lips when he dips her low and kisses her. Everyone swoons, especially the forty-year-old divorcees. Lily is one of them, but her blue eyes are glued on Rufus dancing with his ex-wife, Alison.

"'_The way you hold your knife...'"_

Saff is wearing her flower girl's dress that matches Serena's. She drags her mom out onto the now-crowded dance floor by tugging on the mermaid-style skirt of her dress. Serena picks up her daughter and swings her around to the music of the rat pack.

Serena doesn't even feel her water break. But it does.

_"'The way we danced until three...'"_

She even manages to steal the thunder on Blair's own wedding day.

_"'The way you changed by life. No, they can't take that away from me...'"_

And so, a girl named Sinatra is born.

--

**_Summer Erika Humphrey b. 01 May 2015 _**

The third time Serena finds out she's knocked up, she doesn't even bother with the stupid test. She just goes straight to her faithful OB/GYN, Gillian, at Lenox Hill, who confirms what Serena already knew. Serena tells Dan over easy dinner conversation and he nods, shrugs, and excuses himself to go work on his next work of contemporary American lit. The literature world views him as some kind of wunderkind.

Blair is already four months pregnant with her honeymoon baby and the pregnancy has made her glowy and happy. She receives the news with a wide smile and a warm embrace for her best friend. Blair offers to take Saff and Sin for the weekend, so Dan and S can have some time alone. Nothing would sound better than that, although Serena knows that their overactive sex life is the only time the married couple spend together. Truthfully, Serena knows she'll spend her two days locked in her bedroom, watching her Jane Austen video collection again and drooling over Darcy.

Saffron is three years old and is acting more and more like Blair every day. She practically _squeals _with glee when she hears the news - no, not that her mom is pregnant again - that she can spend the weekend with her idol. Blair is working at Disney-Hyperion as an editor; Nate's some kind of businessman who doesn't do a lot but makes more money than he'll ever use. He works from home and Blair gladly retells the stories of how romantic he is.

It makes Serena sick.

--

Blair's angelic twins, a boy and girl, Seth and Eloise, are born in the dead of winter. The heavy snowstorm blocks anyone from coming - even those who live in New York live Blair's mother Eleanor or the Humphreys. Nate is stuck in traffic. Blair's labour lasts hours and hours. She gives birth completely alone, with no one there but the nurses and doctors who coddle the heirs to the Archibald and Waldorf fortunes like they're angels.

They don't take any pictures, save for ones of the twins. Blair will later claim it's because she was "sweating like a pig." If only sweat could trickle from your eyes and make messy mascara tracks along your cheeks.

Serena returns the favour and, while still pregnant, takes Seth and El for a weekend. She wonders how quickly Blair will accept Nate's apology. Wonders how sincere either of them will be. Wonders when BlairandNate became the newer, shinier version of SerenaandDan.

Seth and Eloise both have Nate's blond-brown hair. Seth has Blair's eyes: round, brown, and full of hurt. Eloise has Nate's: blue, sparkling, and full of confusion. They would go far in life, based on their looks and wealth alone. Serena laid the two sleeping infants down in their bassinets - a gift from Harold and his partner, Roman.

When Blair comes to pick up her children, looking tired and weak, she confesses, "I always wanted a summer birth."

--

Besides Dan and Serena herself, only two people they know find the time to come. Even Saff and Sin can't be there because they have kindergarten and pre-K, respectively. The only other witnesses are Erik and Jenny. Their hands are intertwined and they keep 'accidentally' touching each other. No one comments on it. Let them be themselves for one day.

Serena holds her daughter, blond baby hair sticking up, bottle green eyes squinting, and waves her away. She is named Summer, for the birth Blair never had.

**_--_**

Serena named each of her three daughters for Blair, but she knows that it isn't enough. It never will be. And by the time it's confirmed that she's carrying a fourth, she stops bothering.


End file.
